Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.