who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
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I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.