You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
