Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
