Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
