you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
