woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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