I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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