I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
