the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
