I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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