i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
