he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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