My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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