I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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