3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
