maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
