Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
