1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
