After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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