I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
