I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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