I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
