nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
