Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
