I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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