i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have aggressive nipples.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
