Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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