what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
