i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
