I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
