Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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