I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
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hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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