i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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