i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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