captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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