so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
