literally had 100 drinks last night.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
