The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize