I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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