Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
