i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
