Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
