wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
