How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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