I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
