Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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