I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
