Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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