So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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