Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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