If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
