I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
