At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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