if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
