I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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