Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
