Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
