I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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