Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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