Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The feeling are messing with the penis
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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