Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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